DON’T
Don’t post or write about someone you know or
someone you saw advertised with a similar condition who survived. Every patient is unique and different. Each circumstance is unique. What you feel is an attempt to offer hope may
be perceived as, “Why did they get better and I won’t?” It can cause more
doubts, more questions, and sometimes even anger.
DO
Do offer your support and your prayers. Prayers for comfort, mercy, peace, and
healing are welcomed and felt.
DON’T
Don’t say, “I know exactly how you feel / what you
are going through.” No. You don’t. And that’s okay. Each person, each relationship, is special
and beautiful and one-of-a-kind. Your
experience was YOURS. This is theirs. Their emotions, their feelings, their
relationship, and how they choose to walk this out is theirs and theirs
alone. This is their journey, not
yours. And please, PLEASE do not insert
your pain into their path. Don’t regale
them with your own story and force them to comfort you. Especially if your story has not been asked.
DO
Offer your sympathy and empathy. Say, “This must be really hard for you. I’m sorry you have to walk this.” And MAYBE… “I have faced similar
circumstances if you ever want to talk about it or cry on my shoulder.”
DON’T
Have you tried…oils, vitamins, massages,
acupuncture, etc? Guess what? If you’ve thought it, they have probably
either tried it or researched it or asked their specially trained physician
about it. If you are not trained in the
medical sciences, don’t offer medical advice, ESPECIALLY unsolicited. That can make a person feel like you think
they are stupid, are incapable, that they have picked the wrong treating team,
or are not trying hard enough. It can,
again, result in resentment and anger.
DO
Do tell them you are praying not only for the person
and their loved ones, but also for the doctors.
Pray for wisdom for all of them.
These decisions are not faced lightly.
And I know one thing for certain from experience…DOCTORS ARE FIXERS AND THEY
HATE TO FEEL UNABLE TO FIX. When Nathan
fell ill and was receiving his diagnosis and prognosis, the doctor couldn’t
even hardly choke out the words “stage IV” and “terminal.” He kept using vague terms that didn’t give us
information until we continued to press for details. And he was an excellent physician. But it pained him so deeply to feel unable to
solve this issue. So, I promise you, if
it will help, cure, provide relief, or extend life, doctors will recommend or
try it. Scout’s honor!
DON’T
Don’t tell someone what you would do in their
situation. If the words, “Well, if it
were me…” begin to come out of your mouth, just stop. It isn’t you.
And you. Don’t. Know. You don’t
know what you will do until you are in the trenches. Illnesses are kind of like parenting… everyone’s
an expert until they have one. All the
theories and plans in the world fly out the window when you are literally
talking about life and death, life or
death, and life beyond death.
DO
Pray. Pray. Pray.
Pray for wisdom and direction.
Pray for peace once decisions are made.
These are not easy choices that are being made. And sometimes choices are made that go
against our very nature. And sometimes
there is no choice to be made. Walk
beside them, but don’t ever judge or second-guess their decisions. This is hard enough without that hanging over
their heads.
DON’T
This last one may seem odd… but here it is anyways. Please don’t say, “What can I do to help?” They know what you mean and what you are
trying to do. But they are so befuddled,
confused, and overwhelmed, they barely can recall their names or the last time
they ate. Now, on top of all the
decisions they are making and coming to terms with, they have to come up with
things for you to do? Nope, sorry, not
gonna happen.
DO
If you want to help, BE SPECIFIC. Offer to organize a
meal train or bring a meal. Offer to
clean the house or walk the dog. Offer
to take the kids to or from school or activities to allow a small semblance of
normal routine. Wash and fold the
laundry. Mow the lawn if you see it’s getting tall. Whatever you have to give, wherever your
talent lies, offer it specifically. It
is SO hard to ask for, much less accept help.
But when the chips are down, it is such a relief to not have to worry
about all the little things that fill time and life. Be specific in what you have the time and
ability to do. Then follow through on
your commitment. That is such a blessing
and a tangible expression of love.
DON’T
Don’t beat yourself up if you have done any of the
previously mentioned things. Just be
mindful in the future. If you’ve rubbed
someone the wrong way, apologize and make amends. Don’t take it personally. They are so far beyond stretched and
stressed, they may not yet know how to respond or react. Just show love, have patience, and be gracious.
