(Temporary) Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

A week is plenty long enough for me to be apart from my husband. He felt the same way. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes it's nice to have a little extra space in the bed or not have to do dishes, laundry, and cooking for a few days. Sometimes it's nice to be able to watch tv at any volume and not worry about waking up your child or wife.

But the novelty of those niceties wears off very quickly. I think we were both missing the stupid, little, everyday, mundane things about family life after two or three days. So yesterday, when my hubby FINALLY came home from work and did his trademark whistle, I ran straight to him, not even waiting for my kid or picking him up along the way. Yep, I outran my almost-two-year-old to get to my husband first! (Don't worry, he was 10 seconds behind me.)

But boy, was I glad to see Lino!!!! It was so good to just see his face across the table, have his help with feeding our son, and absolutely sheer delight to watch him and our son playing together again. Lino even admitted one of the things he missed the most was getting "body splashed." That would be the game our son invented where he goes to the opposite end of the house and runs at us full force, crashing into us with giggles. It's pretty much all of our favorite game.

I know we all get on one another's nerves on rare occasion. And I wasn't annoyed by him when I left. At all. But I appreciate him more than when I left. And I am glad to know he missed both of us as well. It's almost like it reaffirms the joy we have in the place we are in our lives. And that's always nice to come home to.

A Beautiful Wedding

I am still here in Nashville with my darling son. I attended my cousin's beautiful wedding Saturday evening. Weddings, especially those of my family, always make me nostalgic and sentimental. I'm afraid that means if you continue reading today's blog, you must put up with some gushing.

The bride, attendants, ceremony, and reception were all beautiful. It seemed to (thankfully!) go off without any noticeable hitches, glitches, or drama. As I sat there listening to them recite their vows, I must admit, I missed my husband a little bit more. But I think that's a good thing. I would have worried if I didn't! Listening to them promise one another forever made me reflect back on the vows I've made.

Twice, I have promised "til death do us part." Once, it actually happened. That sucked. But it also gave me hope and faith that you CAN promise forever, mean it, and keep it. It was indeed stranger for me to say it the second time, after having walked it out once. After my wedding in California with our families present, even my brother told me afterwards he wondered how it was for me to say those words. It's definitely different and more impactful to kind of know what you're committing to.

But that's the beauty of love given from God. Even if you know the pain and sorrow that can come from that kind of promise, even if you know how vulnerable you're allowing yourself to become, you also know that, with God's help, you can do it. And you know that it's worth it. It's worth every bump and pothole in the road of life. It's worth the trouble, the heartache, the effort. Because every part of it, even the rough stuff, are small matters and moments compared to the overwhelming blessing that comes from being in a committed, healthy, forever marriage.

Family

Yes, the time stamp on this is correct. It's about 4 am as I write this. It doesn't feel particularly early to me right now, as I have laid in bed since 10:30ish without having fallen asleep. The boredom finally bested me, so I'm up. I'll sleep tomorrow night. Hopefully. As I lie there in the bed of my childhood with my son in his pack-n-play, I got to thinking about family. (This entry isn't written from a particular incident or about anyone. So don't try to interpret it as such or "see yourself" in this. It's just the random thoughts of a sleepless brain.)

There's family we're born into, family we marry into, and family we choose. There's adoption of the legal sense and adoption of those around us we love and call family when our "real" ones aren't nearby. Family can be a blessing of immeasurable worth. They can also be far and away the biggest cause of sorrow, frustration, and even anger. Just ask the father and brother of the prodigal son. I believe we all have a mindset of what family should be. And then there's the reality of family.

Families are, unfortunately, all flawed. You see, they're made up of people. And last time I looked around, there was only ever one flawless person. So often, we put family members on pedestals of expectations. When they fall short of our expectations, realistic or not, they have "failed" us. Sometimes, we have to choose to walk away from family members. Sometimes for a brief season, sometimes we must cut ties. I don't judge. But I do think it is always a sad outcome.

Since I have moved away from my family, my appreciation for them has deepened. I miss them when I'm gone. I'm cherish them when we're together. I make more of an effort to talk to them, even about the mundane, everyday, boring stuff. For me, that's what keeps me connected. It's not just calling on holidays or skyping on birthdays. It's a call because it's Wednesday or skyping because my son is being extra-silly or cute.

I have found family in co-workers, in new friends who share similar paths and life experiences. I have drawn strength in their kindness and felt deep wounds when we inadvertently hurt one another or fail to meet expectations. I have lost family members, including some that I've had to walk away from. Hopefully for a season, but probably longer.

I hope I give my son a good family. I hope we give him a name he's proud to bear. I hope he grows up loving his immediate and extended family. I hope he marries into a kind and good family. I hope he chooses to surround himself with those who can act as family if he's not close to home. Or even if he is.

In all this, what I have learned is, even when you have to walk away, family is still family. Good, bad, and ugly. Make the best of it you possibly can. Family is forever.

Ah, Growth Spurts

My son is such a random knucklehead. When he decides to grow at a rapid rate (which is more often than I think it should be) he sleeps. A LOT. He eats less, which I totally don't get. He's generally still happy. But this kid zonks out way more.

Today, he woke up around 6:45 am (not too bad.) By 10 am, he was drifting off again. I tried to feed him or give him a cup of milk. All he wanted was his bed. Which is fine, unless he wakes up hungry in 20 minutes and then decides to not nap again for the rest of the day.

The funny thing is, I always forget that he tends to sleep more when he's growing. You would think with it happening every few months, I'd have this figured out by now. I don't. I forget every time. Then I finally get used to his additional sleep and he quits.

I'm not sure how in heaven's name some parents have their children on schedules. I mean, it's a great theory. I'm sure it would make life very organized and simple. My kid, however, likes to keep me on my toes. I can try to set up a schedule. And he has general routine that he abides by (i.e. wake up some time between 5 & 7, take a 1.5 - 4 hour nap some time during the day, eat a bunch of times, play a bunch, go to bed.) I'm glad he's flexible enough to adapt to different activities. But the complete randomness of today's early nap with no lunch is definitely throwing me for a loop.

Yep, a loop. As in a loop-di-loop. As in, my life as a mommy is an absolutely unpredictable roller coaster. Every day is different. Some are so low-key they border on boring (which is rare.) Some are busy. Some are fantastically full of laughter and smiles. Some I'm ready to string him up by his toenails (and he probably feels the same about me.) But all are unique. And I absolutely adore my life! I wouldn't trade my roller coaster for the most sane, predictable planned-out ride in the world.

Grocery Store Loyalty

I have been very loyal to my grocery store over the past couple of years. I'll be honest. I love it. I love the people that work there. I love their kindness. I know the lay-out (and I like it!) I like their products, their prices, and the attentiveness of everyone there. However, in an effort to maximize our finances and ensure we're not spending money unnecessarily, I have agreed to a one-month trial of shopping at a competitor's store.

I've heard all the ads and seen all the hype. So I decided to see if it's real. Will it actually save me enough to (1) be worth the drive (it's a few minutes further) and (2) give up the people I have built relationships with at MY store? I know it sounds silly to say I build relationships at a store. But when certain people see me and my son, they know our names. They smile. They ask about him on the occasions when I shop without him.

So, Jackson and I ventured to the new store today. They use a rewards card program to offer lower prices on products. Thus, our first stop was the customer service desk to sign up. I told the lady I had not been in this particular shop before, I was loyal to their competitor, but willing to try and see if they can save me money. Boy, oh boy! If you want a company to clammer over themselves to make and keep you happy, tell them you like their rival! They started telling me all about their perks, their prices, their people, and generally what makes them better.

We got our card and went on our merry way, wandering through the aisles, comparing prices on things we commonly buy, even if we didn't today. Everyone was indeed very friendly and helpful. They carried a product I've looked for and couldn't find at my previous grocer. They offer self check-out lines. They definitely had some things going for them. There were also a couple of things I couldn't find though. And I didn't understand the lay-out because it is very different from what I am accustomed. But I'll adjust, should I decide to continue with the new store.

All that aside, the biggest tell was definitely going to be the receipt. (Drum roll please...) On my first shopping trip, I saved over $11 on a $53 bill. That's almost a 20% savings on the very first trip! If they can keep that up, they'll win my business. Here was the kicker though. (I had spoken with one of the assistant managers earlier while walking around.) As I was about to leave the store, that same assistant manager, who knew I was loyal to another store and exploring the possibility of defecting, came up to me and gave me a free coupon book.

I like when people fall all over themselves to earn and keep my business. Maybe that makes me silly or shallow. But it's nice to go someplace where people actually take pride in the organization for which they work. It's nice to know my business is important to them. So, I'll use their coupons and see what the receipts say over the next month. And I may still run mini-errands to the closer store or wander around there to say hi on a cold or rainy day. But I definitely may betray my grocery store loyalty.

Mickey and Sylvia were right

Love is strange. I just celebrated my wedding anniversary with my sweet husband yesterday, on Valentine's Day. I love him more now than I did when I married him. We went out to dinner with our son. I love him more now than the day he was born. I wasn't sure either was possible.

I feel like I've known them both forever and it seems as though I've been a wife and mom much longer than I have. I feel more like myself, more complete, more understood, and more comfortable in my own skin than I thought was possible. I didn't even know I felt not quite "me." Now, I do. It's because of those two knuckleheads. Yes, love is strange. Investing in them has helped me come into my own. Being honest with them has led to being honest with myself. Listening to and understanding them has brought deeper self-awareness.

And yet, there are days I cannot believe how brief a time I've known them both. I am continually learning about them. I discover new things (most of which I like.) I know we all change and become different versions of ourselves over time. I am often saddened to hear of families or couples that break up because they "grew apart." We all constantly change and grow. The trick is to try to change and grow together.

I like learning about them. I like knowing their quirks, likes, dislikes. I like knowing how I can show my love to them, even without words. Sometimes, I get lazy. Sometimes, I have to be reminded. How fortunate am I to have people in my life that think I'm worth reminding, instead of giving up on me, on us! And how blessed am I to know that I can remind them what I need as well, without fear of abandonment, hurt, or mocking.

Love is strange. You see, we all innately love ourselves, to some degree. And so often, we see self-love as the ultimate, end-game. "What's good for ME?" Here's where love gets quirky. The more we give it, the more we consider others above ourselves, the more we pour into the lives of loved ones, friends, acquaintances, strangers, and enemies; the more we get back. Love does not run out because we pass it around. It grows.

The more deeply in love I fall with my God, my husband, my son, my family, the more I know about myself. The more I see me through their eyes instead of my self-critical sight, the more I love me. When I focus on others, I become happier. When I am self-centered, I am much less content. And so is everyone around me.

So I will try to meet the "love-needs" of others. I will spend time playing with my son when there's something else I want to or should be doing. I will get up in the morning and make breakfast for my husband instead of sleeping an extra few minutes. And I will be so much more fulfilled, content, happy, and loved.

Yes, love is strange.

Time

There's a lot we can do with time. We can waste it, which most of us do more often than we care to admit. We can kill it (which is similar to wasting, but sometimes more aggressively.) We can invest it. We can spend it. (These last two sound like opposites in the financial world, but in the realm of time, they are remarkably similar.)

The other day, my husband suggested we take our son to an outdoor store with an aquarium, just to wander around, not be couch potatoes in front of the TV, and to "kill time." I told him that any time the three of us spend together, especially in deliberate activity and introducing our child to something new is NOT killing time. It's investing in our child, one another, and our family.

Yes, there's lots of things we CAN do with time. There's a couple we cannot, though. We can't get it back. Once a moment is gone, it's gone forever. There's no DVRing or rewind in real life. Likewise, there's no fast forward. We can't pause it to hold onto something wonderful or skip chapters we'd rather not experience. Each moment is a gift that will never be duplicated by anyone else ever again. The good, the bad, the ugly, they all add up to make us whole. We are the sums of the parts. And we are greater than any one moment.

We also cannot add time to our lives. None of us know how long we have. Some stay on Earth for mere minutes. Others thirty-five years. Still others, like the recently departed last surviving veteran of WWI, saw 110 years worth of moments. We can't add time by worrying. We can't save time in a bottle. No, we can only spend, kill, invest, or waste the moment we're currently in. No one is ever guaranteed another one.

This past Saturday, I had a long while to contemplate this string of thoughts. My son had taken an early nap, but it was way too short. I knew he would need another & kind of dreaded it because he's gotten away from a second nap. So it's sometimes a challenge to get him to lay down again. But I also knew he'd be a pistol if he didn't sleep some more. So, I laid him down and curled up to watch college basketball. He cried for a few minutes but drifted off eventually. Unfortunately, he woke up after only half an hour. I let him cry for a couple of minutes to see if he'd zonk back out but he didn't. So I went to check on him. (It was the "Mommy, I'm kind of freaked out and I'm not really sure why" cry instead of the normal, "Get me outta here!" cry.)

I picked him up but he didn't stop crying. So I sat down in the glider, covered him with a blanket, and began to rock, trying to soothe him. Shortly after he calmed down a couple of minutes later, he fell back to sleep. Now, being his mom, I know this kid. I knew from the previous cry that he would likely just wake up and freak out again if I laid him back in his crib. I also knew he could use some more sleep. So I thought, "I can waste time and watch the basketball game. Or I can invest time and hold my slumbering 21-month-old son, who may not sleep in my arms many more times, if ever."

Yeah, I held him. For another hour and 20 minutes while he slept contentedly, I glided, patted, rubbed, and held my sweet little boy. And it definitely wasn't a waste.

Monkey See, Monkey Do

I'll admit I call my kid a monkey. He acts like one often. He climbs, he runs, he randomly dances to music no one is hearing. He's a fantastically goofy child. He's my monkey. And yes, monkey see, monkey do.

I have tried very hard not to overreact, or even react sometimes, when he falls or bonks his head. I know it's going to happen. Falling is inevitable when a child is learning to walk, run, dance, or otherwise figure out how to control his motor skills. And I know children often emulate the responses their caregivers have. So I work hard to not let out a giant, panicky gasp, run over, grab him up in my arms, and cry "Are you ok, oh my poor baby!?!" Instead, I usually try to just look at him, smile, and say, "You good?" He usually smile and laughs about it.

But on occasion, my hand will fly up to my mouth as an auto-response to prevent the previously mentioned panicky reaction. Last week, my son took a weird tumble. I cannot even begin to describe how he fell. But my hand flew up. Then I burst into laughter because as soon as he hit the deck, his hand flew to his mouth, he looked at me, smiled and started giggling. I could not believe that his response to falling was to cover his mouth!

Then today, he decided to take it a step further. He had been running around as we were playing together in the den. He came to stand by me, dropped into a seated position, and put his hand on his mouth. I thought it was pretty silly. Then he stood up again, sat down, and hand-to-mouth. He kept laughing as he repeated this pattern for five minutes. He thought he was the funniest thing since Johnny Carson!

He has definitely reminded me that he will mimic what he sees. But I love that his knee-jerk response now to landing on the ground is not to panic or cry, but rather to laugh and cover his mouth. I love that he has gone so far as to invent a game out of falling. I hope I can live a life that he is safe to emulate. I hope he continues to take lemons and make lemonade in his life. I hope its a life that is always as full of laughter and smiles as his currently is.

Let me start by saying that I am so not a Biblical scholar. Rather, I'm a very curious girl. I always have been. Often times, that gets me into trouble. But when I get curious about God, I get answers.

I am suddenly struck by the fact that Jesus went toe-to-toe, literally face to face with the Prince of Darkness himself. And was tempted (Matt 4:1-11) in EVERY way (Heb 4:15.) I find it curious that the temptation with Satan in the wilderness event is recorded immediately after Jesus is baptized and God says (paraphrasing) "I love you, my boy. I'm so proud of you!" How many of us would hear that from our Daddy, then get 40 days worth of hungry, get ultimately tempted, and still make that Daddy proud?

I find it interesting that the Bible mentions he fasted for 40 days and nights. (In the Islamic holy month of Ramadan, they fast from sunup to sundown but can eat after the sun has set.) I don't believe God wastes words in the Bible. I find it quite important that it is mentioned "and nights." I can only imagine how hungry Christ was. And then to be tempted! I'm not saying every temptation mankind would ever face was presented to Jesus in this event with Satan. But maybe it was. The Bible specifically lists several. But were those the only things in which Satan tempted Christ?

I think of how many sins I've been tempted with in my 33 years. I have resisted some of them. But I've surrendered to many and I'm ashamed. Yet I realize that Jesus lived this exact same length of time and never faltered. He never told a little white lie to his mom or dad. He never cheated in school or was ugly to his siblings. (It's not just the Big 10 that he obeyed.) I mean, this guy did it all perfectly! He was tempted in every way that I am. He was tempted in every way that males are.

Yes, the world has changed. Yes, technology is different. But, as Ecclesiastes says, there is nothing new under the sun. I'm taking that to mean there are no new temptations either. Let's face it, there's some freaky stuff addressed, especially in the Old Testament, that most of us would never dream of doing. Stuff that gets an "ick!" reaction. I have to believe Jesus was tempted with all of that as well. And if the Prince of Darkness is as good at tempting as I know him to be, he didn't make it look "icky." He made it look appealing and enticing.

I take such comfort in knowing that Jesus was able to walk away from that temptation, even in a state of ravenous hunger. Now I'm not saying, "if He can do it, I can do it." But I am saying, "Oh my goodness, He gets it! He knows exactly what I'm going through. And if He got through it, He can get me through it too, if I'll let Him." What peace & comfort to know that He understands us even at our weakest, most vulnerable, tempted, icky states.

Self-Diagnosis of a Serious Condition

I have self-diagnosed a condition today that I believe I inherited from my mother. I believe it to be contagious to my child as well as others around me. It can be permanent or not. I am not upset with my mother, nor do I apologize if someone else does catch it.

I believe I have "Pollyanna Syndrome." Yep, I'm talking about the tireless optimism and seeing the good in the rough stuff, as exemplified by Hayley Mills in the Disney film from the 60s.

The day started out simply enough. I was heading to breakfast with my husband and son when I started to slip on a coat. My husband laughingly asked, "Would you do me a favor? Would you not wear that coat? I really don't like it." I laughed and replied that the coat held no significance to me and I'd be happy to wear something different. Pollyanna lessons: (1) I have other coats and it doesn't impede me to not wear that one. Aren't I lucky to have multiple coats to choose from! (2) I get to bless someone with a perfectly functional and warm coat that just happens to not be my husband's taste. (3) I have a husband who's willing to tell me the truth in a gentle way because he likes the way I look (not because he doesn't.) I have someone who doesn't make me feel ugly or unattractive when he addresses my clothes. And I have someone with an opinion as opposed to someone who doesn't see me.

Then I was talking on the phone to my fantastic mother. I can't even remember how, but we started talking about friendships, relationships, and feelings. I was never popular in high school. I told her, no matter what age I am, no matter how old I get or where I go, no matter whether I work outside the home or not, there will always be "cool kids" and I'm just not one of them. It wasn't a pity party. Just a fact. My mother confessed she felt the same way. In her college days (which were a few years back) there was a drill team. Her friends always seemed to make it and she never did. Even reflecting back, it still stings. Feelings still are hurt when I am excluded from activities I would enjoy. But I refuse to get bitter or angry. Pollyanna lessons: (1) I wasn't "cool" in high school or college, but I was friends with people from every clique. I knew pretty much everybody and was relatively well-liked. I didn't have issues with anyone. (2) I could wonder what made them different or better than me. But my job is to be the best Christy I can be. (3) I am a good friend to those I hold dear and I reach out to those I don't know. (4) I have enough empathy from my own "been there, done thats" to be deliberate in making others feel included.

I'm not the prettiest girl in the world. I'm not the snazziest dresser (refer to the coat incident.) But I try to do what I can with what I've got (without breaking the proverbial bank.) The other night, my darling hubby and I were watching something and I noticed I had the same shirt as someone on TV. I jokingly said, "It looks better on me." He laughed and said, "Actually, it looks better on her. You're way too cool for that shirt." Wait...I'm too COOL?!?!? (see above.) Pollyanna Lesson: I may not be married to a guy who fawns over me every day and tells me constantly how gorgeous I am. But I know he loves me. I know he thinks I'm pretty. I know he's glad he married me. After all, he comes home to me every day. He kisses and hugs me. And even when he tells me he doesn't like something, he makes me feel beautiful in the telling of it.

I don't have to be the coolest, prettiest, best dressed, or trendiest. I'm a good "me" and that's more than enough!

A Lovely, Cold Day

My exciting day thus far...went to the grocery store, fed the boy, Febreezed the comforter, ate lunch myself, and wondered why the computer keeps flickering. So, what's a mom and little tyke to do on a cold, overcast day in the middle of February after the nap? Light a fire, put on oldies and dance, of course!

Yep, once the knucklehead gets up, it will be time for a Nunez Family Dance Party. I love introducing him to music that predates him (and me, for that matter.) I love watching him discover new ways to move his body and new rhythms to clap. His current repertoire of dance moves include "Flamingo," "Elvis," and "Football Run." I love how he giggles and gets so tickled with himself that he runs at his full speed to crash into me. I can't help but smile when he dances, giggles, then looks back at me with a cheesy grin for my approval. But if I start dancing with him, he begs to be picked up and danced with in my arms.

This is fine for about two minutes. Then I remember he weighs 31 pounds! If I put him down, he just wants up again. So I get my cardio workout by jumping, bouncing, swaying, and generally be a silly goose with him in my arms. It wears me out to the point that I then want a nap. Which of course, I won't get. But I am one lucky momma!

I hear the stirrings of a toddler, so I will sign off the computer and DANCE!

Tough and Wonderful Day

This morning we had to take our son to a surgery center for tubes to be inserted in his ears. He started the day by hugging and hanging out with the receptionist. Then he moved on to hugging the anesthesiologist, surgeon, most of the nurses, and several of the other children waiting to also have procedures.

Everyone was incredibly kind and skilled. The surgery was incredibly quick, very successful, and even so, it was difficult. The waiting out in the lobby was hard. But seeing him still sedated in the recovery room was so heart wrenching. We both hated seeing our little guy in that condition. (I am SO grateful to have a husband with a job that allowed him to be at our sides.) Fortunately, he soon awoke.

When Jackson woke up, he was not too happy. They warned us this was very common. But once we put a sippy cup of milk in his mouth, he quickly became his happy, fantastic self. After he pounded the milk, they gave him another cup full of apple juice and a box of animal crackers. By then he was quite content. The nurse told us that protocol dictated that patients subjected to sedation had to be wheeled out. She asked if we thought he would ride in the wheelchair by himself or in one of our laps. No lap, he wanted to ride by himself! So with a teddy bear on either side, he ecstatically rode out pushed by the nurse into the pouring rain and to our car.

The rest of the day, he was his absolutely delightful self. He ate and napped normally. Fast forward a few hours to a little before 7 that night. He runs up to his daddy unbeckoned or coerced, puckers up, and gives the first kiss of his life! It was so precious and sweet (though his dad said it was a bit on the slimy side!)

What a day! We know beyond the shadow of a doubt that the surgery was in his best interest and will do wonders for him, long term. We know is a happy-go-lucky boy who loves to hug and snuggle us (and random strangers.) But that kiss just made my heart soar! It makes me feel that he knows us, loves us, and is grateful to us for the care, attention, and affection we bestow on him.

A Long Walk (and a short jog)

I think I'm finally mad enough. And that's a good thing. I think I am mad enough about being lazy, feeling fat, and not liking what I see in the mirror. It's February and in the sixties! Why have I wasted this amazing winter thus far without taking advantage of it?

So today, I went for a walk. I went a total of 3.4 miles and ran .9 continuously. I'm kind of aggravated about the .9. I would have gone the extra block had I known. But I didn't have a route planned. I just strapped the kid in the stroller and took off in my new shoes. (Well, my new shoes, along with a tank top and pants...don't worry!) The weather was amazing and it didn't feel too bad. I was pretty proud of me. I hope I continue the habit.

My son enjoyed most of our journey as well. So much so that he fell asleep. For a while. But mind you, not long enough. And at the wrong time of the day. He slept for 20-30 minutes of our adventure, then woke up and fussed. I picked him up and carried him while pushing the stroller for a few minutes. I think he just needed to snuggle like he normally expects to get after waking. It just wasn't very convenient. So I briefly carried the giant child (31 pounds!)

We went home, he ate a very large lunch, then I tried to put him down for a nap. Yeah, right. He laid there talking to himself and generally content. But I went to get him because I knew if he fell asleep after a certain amount of time, he would not wake up in time for his therapy. We played for a while, then his therapist came. He played pretty well with her. But he was so tired by the end, he quickly crashed after she left.

Poor kid. I kind of felt bad that my walk / jog messed up his napping schedule. But in my defense, he wasn't supposed to fall asleep!

Quirks and flaws are all part of the plan

In case you have not yet guessed, I am a Christian. And for the past few days, I've kind of had tunnel vision on a particular passage in the Bible. Psalm 139:1-18. Go read it for yourself. It's pretty darn cool.

But my point of this entry is not to do anything other than explain what I've been feeling and learning from this scripture lately. One of the things it talks about is how God formed us in our mother's womb. If God formed us, even though we live in a fallen and sinful world, we're all made exactly how we are supposed to be. Some people are born with seemingly horrible or debilitating conditions. But somehow, God has purpose in all of them.

This week (well, the past couple of weeks) has been challenging. Our knucklehead is 21-months-old and not saying much. We've had him tested through an early intervention program and with an Ear, Nose & Throat specialist. He starts therapy tomorrow to improve his speech and general communication. He has surgery Friday to put tubes in his ears, which will hopefully alleviate ear infections, improve his hearing, and result in him speaking. There's a small level of guilt for me because my hearing is horrid and I had numerous sets of tubes as a child. So I feel like I "gave" it to him.

I had to take Jackson to our pediatrician on Monday for a height / weight check because his proportion changed slightly at 18 months and they wanted to follow up to make sure his ratio didn't change. So, we went for something that should have been boring and routine. Our fantastically pro-active physician listened to his chest and said, "Have I ever mentioned a heart murmur before?" Um....no. I would have remembered that!

The doctor ordered an echocardiogram to check his heart and told me we needed it done before Friday or we should postpone the surgery. After all, hearts take priorities over ears. He told me it was probably nothing to worry about, but he'd rather be safe than sorry. Especially before subjecting him to surgery!

We went today and found out that his heart is structurally sound and very normal. He's healthy and can go forward with surgery without concern. YAY!!!! (Thanks, God!!!)

For as wonderful as that is to hear, I kept coming back to one thing. I have been so focused on the communication therapy and surgery needed to "fix" my son. But "fixing" something requires that said object be broken. And my son's not broken. He's made exactly as he was meant to be. I know ear infections and delayed speech are extremely minor things. But when it's your baby, there's no such thing as minor.

I have a nephew who was born with vision in only one eye. We were all shocked when we found this out at his birth. It wasn't an easy thing to cope with or accept initially. But guess what? He's EXACTLY who and how he's supposed to be. He's absolutely perfect. His folks are very proactive to provide him with a normal, active life while being mindful to protect the vision he does have. He's an amazingly energetic, intelligent, and fun 6-year-old who I wouldn't trade for anything. And yes, if science and medicine ever makes it possible for him to regain sight in that eye, I'm sure his parents would consider pursuing it.

I don't have to accept that my son is seeming to get ear infections on a monthly basis if there's something that can be done to treat it. That's not good for him. That's not me being a good momma. But I also don't have to assume that surgery means he's broken.

No, my child, my nephew, and all of us are perfectly, wonderfully knit together in the secret place by a Holy and Perfect God who does not make mistakes. It's the quirks and perceived "flaws" that can be used in His glorious Plan for our lives. We may not understand it. We may never see the Big Picture and how those quirks are used. But that doesn't mean they aren't. So if my son has speech delays and lousy hearing, he's still perfect. It's just part of the quirky fabulousness that makes my boy, my boy!