On Sunday, our apartment was broken into. They took some video games, gaming systems, and accessories. They took my husband's work laptop. And they took our personal laptop. (They even had the audacity to use our own trash bags to carry their "loot" out!) And no, we did not have our laptop backed up. Foolish, I know. It will never happen again. Yes, we had renter's insurance. But let me tell you what we were REALLY robbed of...
Photos. They took every picture and video of our son and of our life together. Yes, some of them are on facebook and/or youtube. With a great deal of time, effort, and energy, we will be able to recover at least some of them. But it still just sucks. And it still hurts.
On my laptop was the book that I've been writing over the past couple of years. The one I was over 2/3rds done with. The one I had every intention of finishing by December of this year. The one I thought I had emailed to myself so it would be in "the cloud" in case catastrophe ever struck (but which I cannot currently find in any email account, either inbox or sent items...) On my laptop was other writings (songs, poems, letters, musings.) It absolutely breaks my heart to lose all my writings. I'm going to try my best to recreate them, if for no other reason than to not let the thieves win.
Peace of mind and safety. The small things I took for granted, like showering while my son napped, I'm now afraid to do. My heart rate increases slightly every time I put the key in the door to walk in. Will it catch or will I find it to be unlocked again? Even just being at home alone with my small son makes me nervous for the first time.
And when I say "robbed," I mean that, in a small way, I feel like I've lost small pieces of Nathan again. Pictures of him. Writings about him. Writings of his. Things that weren't on facebook or any other online resource. Things that remind me of him. Just a sense of his being that was digitally captured.
But what they cannot take, what they will never change, is my sense of self. I am not now, and have never been, and will never be a victim. I refuse to allow this circumstance redefine me. I was widowed. I was robbed. But I am NOT a victim. I have had to remind myself over the past week of lessons learned during Nathan's illness and after his passing. I am who I am because of, not in spite of, what I've been through and who I've known and loved. I am always first and foremost a daughter of the most high God. I am daughter to wonderful parents, wife to wonderful men, and mother to a wonderful child. I have amazing siblings, extended family members, and friends. I get through tough situations because I have Christ and support of kind people.
So, while this situation, hurts, and sucks, and makes me uncomfortable and want to cry, I know that the tears will dry. I know the fears will subside. I know the pain will dull. I may recover my data. I probably will not. But no matter what the outcome, I know who I am, I know who I'm not, and I know that, in the end, I'll come out stronger. And they don't get to win...
