The Flag

I was born and raised in the South, and proud of it.  I am equally proud of my Czech, Scottish, Irish, and Welsh heritage.  I am proud of the legacy left to me by my grandparents, from Texas, Oklahoma, and Alabama.  My husband, born and raised in California, is proud of his Mexican heritage.  But at the end of the day, we are AMERICANS, first and quite frankly, only.

 

The truth of the matter is, whether you think it’s fair or not, PERCEPTION IS REALITY.  If people perceive a Confederate Battle flag as hurtful, then it hurts.  If that flag has been perverted by some outspoken racist bigots and fools to represent hate, then it represents hate.  Why, oh why, would we intentionally try to hurt and show hatred towards our fellow humans when we know that is how they perceive it?  This country is full of history of lots of people, some of it wonderful and brave and courageous and strong.  Some of it, we shake our heads with shame and wonder.  But while it is good and wise to understand and learn from our mutual history, why would we show disrespect to our brothers and sisters by flying and displaying things that cause pain and division?  Is there not enough divisiveness already?

 

I am Southern and always will be.  This does not make me racist.  A region does not define a person’s love or hate.  The level of melanin in your complexion doesn’t make you better or worse.  It’s good to be proud of your ancestry and the area where you grew up.  But you can have pride and still have kindness and character. 

 

Now, I understand fully that a flag such as our (ALL our!) national flag, The Star Spangled Banner, carries a lot of pride and power and symbolizes so much that soldiers are willing to lay down their lives for it, and have been for centuries.  But… is a piece of fabric the sole way to define the pride of your heritage and ancestry?  Is a piece of fabric worth causing pain and division among citizens that share this amazing country?  I wholly believe the only flags that should be flown at governmental buildings are that of the country and the state.  I don’t think the Mexican flag should be flown on governmental properties in California or Texas or Arizona.  I don’t believe a Confederate flag should be flown in South Carolina or any other state of the union at a governmental building.

 

We have museums.  We remember and honor and cringe at our mutual history, as we should.   We are Americans.  Let’s be Americans who show respect to one another.  Let’s be Americans who have pride without hate.  Let’s be Americans who show love and forgiveness. 

My idea of Angels

I am no theologian and will never pretend to be.  However, ask anyone who has known me as at any age in my life and they will tell you I am imaginative, to say the least.  So I let my imagination run a little rampant today.  I started imagining angels. 

 

Personally, I have never much bought into the dress-wearing, harp-playing, kind-faced winged human.  But today, I really thought about what I envision them to be.  I don’t think the Bible supports a genteel version, for the sole fact that every time an angel is visible to a human, the very first thing they always have to say is, “Don’t be scared!”  Then they go on their merry way with their message of joy or hope or wrath or warning or celebration or whatever God sent them down to convey.  If I saw someone with a harp and a dress, even if they appeared out of nowhere, I probably wouldn’t be freaked-out afraid.  But every time…  “Fear Not!” Okay.  Deep, calming breath. 

 

As I said, I’m not a theologian.  I don’t pretend to know the Bible backwards and forwards.  But I do know the Bible mentions principalities and warfare in the heavenlies.  I remember the guardians of Eden after The Fall held swords.  But not just any swords – flaming swords!  So, there are angels warring on our behalf in the heavenlies.  They are messengers.  And at least some creatures of Heaven bear flaming swords.

 

I think angels still exist and are still active in our lives, our daily activities.  I don’t know why bad things happen to some and others are spared in unthinkable ways.  I don’t know the rules of heavenly warfare or to what extent angels and principalities of darkness are permitted to intervene in earthly matters.  But I do know the angels in my mind look like this:

 

They are dirty.  Not like a kid playing in mud but of a man coming out of a battle zone.  Gunpowder, sweat, grime, and blood stain their skin.  They are muscular and physical and determined.  Their eyes are locked on to their target, their jaws fiercely set for the task at hand.  They persist and fight until the battle is done.  I imagine someone appearing more like a Roman Gladiator than a fairy godmother.  Their toughness exudes from their every motion.

 

They catch a child falling from a balcony.  They hover around a vehicle to deflect the blow from hitting the person directly.  They make your mail fall out of your purse so you have to go back, delaying you those life-saving seconds.  They hold off the hands that seek to do harm for God’s kingdom to be further advanced, whether by hours or years.  They hold the person, alone in the dark, whether a child buried in rubble in Nepal, an employee trapped in an exploding tower, or a mother learning the child in her womb has died.

 

These fierce warriors with compassionate hands and hearts are what I believe we are repeatedly told to “Fear Not.”  And Fear them I would, if I saw them suddenly appear.  But whether I see them or not, they are very real and very active.  And I thank God for His protection, for sending His Son to die, for His overwhelming and unending love,  for the revelations through the Holy Spirit, and for the invisible band of warriors around us each and every day.

Take Care of Yourself - It's the Law!

We put fuel in our vehicles.  We do regular maintenance, including oil changes, tire rotations, and tune ups.  We keep them clean and work hard to keep them in good running order.  And when they have problems, we fix them.  We take care of our inanimate objects, in large part because they do something for us and we don’t want the expense of replacing them.

We work multiple jobs, say yes to every request, clean the house, chauffer the kids, cook the food, volunteer for anything, tend to our spouses…then we break.  We become frazzled and frustrated.  We burn out and shut down or become angry.

Why do we take better care of THINGS than of this irreplaceable body God has given us?  I am going to give you something most people need but will never give themselves.  I give you PERMISSION.

I give you permission to say no.  I give you permission to have a date night.  I give you permission to need help and not be superman or superwoman.  I give you permission to take a nap.  I give you permission to go to bed before midnight.  I give you permission to exercise.  I give you permission to sit down with a good book for a few minutes, even if other things “need” to be done.

Most people have flown.  On every flight, there are preliminary instructions given.  One of them is “If you are traveling with a small child or someone needing assistance, put on your own oxygen mask first, then help them.” Every. Single. Flight. And yet, we do not take care of our mental and physical needs on a day to day basis.  I’m not saying neglect or shirk your responsibilities.

But what I am saying is this…figure out what matters and why.  Does your job matter because you couldn’t otherwise eat? Fine.  Do it well.  Does your job matter because you find personal fulfillment? Fine, commit wholly to it.  Does your job matter because someone told you it should but you hate it and the income doesn’t actually justify the strain it puts on you and your family? Walk away from it.   Instead of saying yes to every PTA committee and opportunity, say yes to the one that means something to you, that you feel you have something really great to offer.   Kid driving you crazy?  Okay, you can’t necessarily walk away from that.  But you can take a short break.  Find a drop-in daycare, friend, family member, spouse to give you an hour or three of a break.  Forget why you married your spouse? Don’t walk away…Remember.  Rekindle.  Kids sleep at some point.  Even if you’re broke…you can curl up for a couple of hours and listen to the radio or tell each other your favorite childhood movie.  Reconnect.

Prioritize.  And know that it is okay to take care of yourself.  Not only is it okay, it’s a Federal Regulation (when you’re flying, at least…)  So take a deep breath, remember that no one is an island, no one is invincible, and no one can be all things to all people.  Nor should they be.  Hey, even Superman had needs and struggles and weaknesses.  So fall on grace, even from yourself.  And remember – you are worth more than your car so take better care of yourself than your vehicle.

What to say and what not to say in times of trials.

Bookmark this page.  Refer to it often.  Before you say anything or write anything in response to what someone is going through, pause and think.  I don’t say this to boast but rather to caution.  If you know someone who has recently lost a parent, spouse, or child…  If someone has recently been diagnosed with a devastating condition or has a child, spouse, or parent diagnosed, the following are things I would strongly encourage you to not say.  I write from experience as someone whose husband was diagnosed as terminal, walked the journey with him, and lived beyond his passing.  But this is not just a chiding or a list of don’ts.  I am also providing humbly suggested alternatives of things that are helpful.

DON’T

Don’t post or write about someone you know or someone you saw advertised with a similar condition who survived.  Every patient is unique and different.  Each circumstance is unique.  What you feel is an attempt to offer hope may be perceived as, “Why did they get better and I won’t?” It can cause more doubts, more questions, and sometimes even anger.

DO

Do offer your support and your prayers.  Prayers for comfort, mercy, peace, and healing are welcomed and felt.

DON’T

Don’t say, “I know exactly how you feel / what you are going through.”  No. You don’t.  And that’s okay.  Each person, each relationship, is special and beautiful and one-of-a-kind.  Your experience was YOURS.  This is theirs.  Their emotions, their feelings, their relationship, and how they choose to walk this out is theirs and theirs alone.  This is their journey, not yours.  And please, PLEASE do not insert your pain into their path.  Don’t regale them with your own story and force them to comfort you.  Especially if your story has not been asked.

DO

Offer your sympathy and empathy.  Say, “This must be really hard for you.  I’m sorry you have to walk this.”  And MAYBE… “I have faced similar circumstances if you ever want to talk about it or cry on my shoulder.”

DON’T

Have you tried…oils, vitamins, massages, acupuncture, etc?  Guess what?  If you’ve thought it, they have probably either tried it or researched it or asked their specially trained physician about it.  If you are not trained in the medical sciences, don’t offer medical advice, ESPECIALLY unsolicited.  That can make a person feel like you think they are stupid, are incapable, that they have picked the wrong treating team, or are not trying hard enough.  It can, again, result in resentment and anger.

DO

Do tell them you are praying not only for the person and their loved ones, but also for the doctors.  Pray for wisdom for all of them.  These decisions are not faced lightly.  And I know one thing for certain from experience…DOCTORS ARE FIXERS AND THEY HATE TO FEEL UNABLE TO FIX.  When Nathan fell ill and was receiving his diagnosis and prognosis, the doctor couldn’t even hardly choke out the words “stage IV” and “terminal.”  He kept using vague terms that didn’t give us information until we continued to press for details.  And he was an excellent physician.  But it pained him so deeply to feel unable to solve this issue.  So, I promise you, if it will help, cure, provide relief, or extend life, doctors will recommend or try it.  Scout’s honor!

DON’T

Don’t tell someone what you would do in their situation.  If the words, “Well, if it were me…” begin to come out of your mouth, just stop.  It isn’t you.  And you. Don’t. Know.  You don’t know what you will do until you are in the trenches.  Illnesses are kind of like parenting… everyone’s an expert until they have one.  All the theories and plans in the world fly out the window when you are literally talking about life and death, life or  death, and life beyond death.

DO

Pray. Pray. Pray.  Pray for wisdom and direction.  Pray for peace once decisions are made.  These are not easy choices that are being made.  And sometimes choices are made that go against our very nature.  And sometimes there is no choice to be made.  Walk beside them, but don’t ever judge or second-guess their decisions.  This is hard enough without that hanging over their heads.

DON’T

This last one may seem odd… but here it is anyways.  Please don’t say, “What can I do to help?”  They know what you mean and what you are trying to do.  But they are so befuddled, confused, and overwhelmed, they barely can recall their names or the last time they ate.  Now, on top of all the decisions they are making and coming to terms with, they have to come up with things for you to do?  Nope, sorry, not gonna happen.

DO

If you want to help, BE SPECIFIC. Offer to organize a meal train or bring a meal.  Offer to clean the house or walk the dog.  Offer to take the kids to or from school or activities to allow a small semblance of normal routine.  Wash and fold the laundry. Mow the lawn if you see it’s getting tall.  Whatever you have to give, wherever your talent lies, offer it specifically.  It is SO hard to ask for, much less accept help.  But when the chips are down, it is such a relief to not have to worry about all the little things that fill time and life.  Be specific in what you have the time and ability to do.  Then follow through on your commitment.  That is such a blessing and a tangible expression of love.

DON’T

Don’t beat yourself up if you have done any of the previously mentioned things.  Just be mindful in the future.  If you’ve rubbed someone the wrong way, apologize and make amends.  Don’t take it personally.  They are so far beyond stretched and stressed, they may not yet know how to respond or react.  Just show love, have patience, and be gracious.

Life Is Not Fair

Let me start this with complete and transparent honesty: I am writing this from a place of pain.  There.  Now that that’s out of the way…Life Is Not Fair.

I said it.   I meant it.  Life isn’t fair.  That phrase is as old as the day is long.  Anyone who has existed on this planet for more than 2.2 seconds knows that life isn’t fair.  But maybe that’s a good thing.

I mean, we always complain about the unfairness of life.  But that assumes that if life WERE fair, we would all live in mansions, have millions of dollars in the bank, not have to work, have perfect health, and nothing bad or sad would ever happen.  But what if life being fair meant that we were all broke, jobless, sick, homeless, hungry, and that nothing good would ever happen?  I mean, that’s fair, too, right?  As long as everything is the same status for everyone all the time, it’s fair.

Maybe the fact that life isn’t fair gives us hope.  I could give you a million reasons on my bad days why life isn’t fair.  I could whine and complain and moan with the best of them.  But life isn’t fair, which means maybe tomorrow will be better.  Maybe my pain won’t be so pronounced.  The unfairness of life gives me hope that my circumstance has the possibility of changing.  Maybe the circumstance will never get better or be different.  But I have hope.  Not because I know the future.  Not because I can change it on my own.  But because the unfairness of life, by its very nature, gives hope that as things are is not how they will remain.

And so, while I don’t know what the future holds, be it tomorrow, next year, or a decade down the road, I will work and I will hope.  I will work to hold on to all that is good and beautiful.  I will work to show love and respect and nurture the relationships that surround and uphold me.  I will work to better myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I will work to raise my son to be kind and compassionate, free and giving, loving and spirited.  And I will hope that all the places that are beyond my control, those things that feel low and sad and unfixable and unfair will give way to inexplicable joy.  And maybe they won’t.  But maybe they will.  And that is enough for today…

Ordinary Days

With three hours remaining in this year, I decided to stop and ponder.  I write a lot about what I am experiencing in the moment but don’t do just a whole lot of pondering.  And what better time is there than when a large measurement of time gives way to the next?

This year has been bittersweet.  There have been extraordinary highs like getting to move to middle Tennessee and buying our (my) dream house, a family vacation to the Smokies, seeing my son thrive in school.  And there have been really difficult lows.

 

But what I am most mindful of at this year-changing junction is the in-betweenies.  All those little moments, those fleeting conversations, stolen glances, cast-aside phrases, and sweet little kisses that make up the bulk of life.  If I were to weigh my year out into positive little moments or negative little moments, I must be a very happy girl indeed.  Yes, I had tiffs, arguments, and probably even fights with my husband, my son, or others dear to me.  I was wrong more times than I care to admit.  I did or said stupid things.  But I heard, said, felt, gave, got…so many more positive things.  It’s the random, “I love you, mom” from my sweet son’s mouth.  It’s the unexpected phone call just to say hi or getting a REALLY good kiss at a red light just because from my honey.  It’s visiting with a friend without an occasion or reason.  It’s getting to see my family or watch my son play with his cousins or grandparents on a Tuesday.  It’s awesome conversations with and learning more about my husband’s family. 

All these LITTLE things make up the past 365 days more so than the few days of vacation, of moving, of crying over heartaches.  I want to appreciate, to CLING to, these little details.  For if I spend my life focusing on the lowlights and highlights, I’ll miss out on so much of the beauty of the ordinary.

And so, my wish, my hope for 2015 is for ordinary days and plenty of them!

Faith in Action

Don't you just love it when you wake up way too early and can't shut off your brain?  Yeah, me too.  Needless to say, that happened to me today.  Turns out, when God REALLY wants my attention, my undivided attention, it's early.  Sometimes it's one or two am, but He lets me go back to sleep.  Today it was 6 o'clock in the morning and there was no going back to bed.  But at least it was near time to get up.  Anyways, He woke me up with a challenge.  (Let me clarify, unlike others, I do not audibly hear God.  I get impressions and ideas in my mind that I know don't originate from me because they are not usually the easy thing to do.)

God challenged me to put my money where my mouth is.  I have long professed faith in the Almighty.  And I do believe.  But giving feet to my faith has never felt like it cost me much.  This morning, it did.  And it was hard.  It was a lot harder than I expected it to be.  But it reminded me of a story...Moses.

Moses was a reluctant mouth piece for God.  He saw the burning bush.  He saw miracle after miracle in the exposition before Pharoah.  The Red Sea was parted by God.  When they were thirsty, God said to strike a rock.  Moses obeyed and water sprang forth.  But the next time, God said speak to the rock.  How, after all that Moses had seen and experienced, did he not trust God to continue to be faithful?  Moses didn't speak, he struck. God still gave them water.  But, much like modern day parents and children, there was a consequence to Moses' action.  The only thing God asked was for Moses' trust, his faith.  God had already proven Himself trustworthy and faithful repeatedly.  He gave His children good things.  Yet trust was still hard.  And it cost Moses dearly.  It cost him a dream and a promise.

I'm glad this story is in the Bible.  I'm glad most of them are.  Most so-called "heroes of faith" are a bunch of screw-ups like us.  But God is always faithful.  Always.  Take it to the bank, He never fails.  I don't want to be a hero of faith.  I don't want that many bad things occurring in my life as seem to be required for heroes of faith, be they of ancient or modern eras!  I want my simple, comfortable, ordinary life.  But it is through extraordinary circumstances that God gets to reveal Himself.

And so, I thought of Moses.  I cried.  I prayed.  Then I decided that my faith was indeed in God.  My faith was not in myself, in money, in modern technology or conveniences.  I would trust God in what I believed He was calling me to do.  I would walk the talk that I tell my son and my husband I believe.  I would do what would be difficult.  I would be honest.  I would face the uncertainty and risk my hopes and dreams in this.

And what do you know?  God was faithful.  He asked me to trust Him in something I could not see how a provision could be made.  He made it.  I trusted Him and He showed me His faithfulness.  I know one thing for certain, no matter what happens with my dream, I will never wonder if my faithless heart or lack of trust was a block I placed in God's way.  I will know He provides in ways I can't predict.  He definitely proved Himself to me today.  I hope I never forget this lesson, this moment of faith.  As for my dream? Maybe God would still have fulfilled my dream without my obedience.  Maybe, in the long run, this choice won't matter.  Maybe it won't change the outcome of my dreams.  Maybe God won't fulfill this dream, even with my trust. 

But maybe He will.