'Til Death

Do you ever have those times where you feel so inspired to do something creative (i.e. write) but don't feel any specific idea or direction? When that would befall me while painting, I would just start putting paint to canvas, paint for a while, step back to see what was unfolding, and then be deliberate from there. Well, guess what...that's what's in my silly brain right now. The muse has descended but remained mute.

Not real sure why, but I was thinking about my weddings with Lino (we got married once in Kansas City by ourselves and once on the beach in Southern California with both sides of our families.) When you marry after being widowed and the pastor is asking you to say your vows, the phrase, "Until death do us part" can be a little rattling. I said it twice to Lino with confidence. I'm in this for the long haul. But there's also a stabbing moment that I almost choked on the words. Not because I'm not wholly committed, but because the thought of having to say good-bye to another husband because of death scares the bejeebers out of me.

I don't want my heart ripped out like that again. I don't want to have those heart-wrenching conversations again. I don't want to cry during and after such an event like that again. I want to not have to hurt again. I guess what I'm saying is...I get to go first this time. Not that I want to hurt anyone else by leaving them. And I know God got me through the first one and he'll get me through anything else Satan decides to heap on me.

God did an amazing thing the day after Nathan died. He took a heart that shattered into thousands of pieces. And He painstakingly, carefully, and lovingly began to put those tiny pieces back together. This heart will never be the same again. It bears the scars of love. It will always bear the scars and I wear the scars as battle wounds, with pride knowing they're well-earned from a marriage and life well-lived and well-loved. But God made this heart beat again. I believe it beats stronger now. (I'm pretty sure God used some reinforced barb on it.) It is now so strong that it can still love and appreciate Nathan, deeply love Lino, and has enough room for another crazy guy - my Jackson. (Not to mention, the rest of my INCREDIBLE family and friends.)

Yes, I know God could repair this heart should it crumble again. (After all, I'm not Humpty Dumpty and God's better than some silly king's men and horses.) But I'd just as soon never find out. I want a love, a marriage, and a life that I don't have to stay in alone again.

Yes, I said "Until death do us part." And yes, I meant it. And no, I don't want to face the alternative of divorce. I guess I'd just as soon have Christ return in about 45 years, so neither of us has to die but we get lots of love and laughter together in the mean time.