Discipline

We've all heard the old adage, "you discipline the ones you love."  I think as a society, we see the results of good disciplining, abuse, and lack of discipline.  So, how do you find the balance and provide good discipline to your kids?  My brilliant parental answer is....IT DEPENDS.

It depends on the age of the child.  I discipline my two-year-old son.  I don't beat the snot out of him.  I never have and never will.  I try time-outs.  I offer him choices.  I tell him the consequences of each option.  I don't make idle threats.  I always follow through.  And I occasionally swat his leg.  Some people think two is too young.  I try really hard to keep my expectations reasonable.  But as he shows me new things he's capable of doing, my expectations of him grow accordingly.  When he shows me he can open drawers and pull things out, I know he's able to put things away and close the drawers.  And I truly believe he enjoys helping.  He gets a smile of pride on his face when he's accomplished a task I've assigned him.  He grins when I clap and tell him what a good job he's done.  He understands positive affirmation.  I believe that means he also understands directions and corrections.

My son may not understand all the words and choices I give him.  But maybe he understands more than I realize.  When it's time to go to bed, I don't give him the choice of going to bed or not.  I give him the choice of walking or being carried up the stairs.  He still has some level of control in his life.  He learns to make choices.  But within safe, structured, secure boundaries.  If he throws a fit, he's still made the choice.  Refusing to walk up stairs is, by default, choosing to be carried.

He knows when he's unhappy and throws a fit.  He knows when he's angry and tries to hit mommy.  He also understands that just because he's angry doesn't mean he's going to get his way or be allowed to act out against others.  I've seen him make choices when he's angry to hit the couch beside me instead of me.  That means he's learning.  Why would I not continue to reinforce that learning and that behavior?  I won't allow him to act violently because he's "too young."  Otherwise, I'm giving him a free pass to act solely on instinct now.  At what age, then, do I start telling him he must control his impulses?

I've heard tweens and teens swear at their parents.  I've listened to parents complain how lazy, ungrateful, disrespectful, and ugly their children act.  And I'm not saying that will never apply to our child.  But I cannot help but wonder, do they discipline their kids?  At what age did they begin?  I don't think you can begin to discipline a 15-year-old out of the clear blue without having ever given them boundaries, choices, consequences, and follow-through.  If authority has never been established, why would they subject themselves to discipline now?

I don't have it all figured out and I don't pretend to.  I cannot tell someone else how to parent or discipline their child.  But I can promise you this, hitting or biting me will never be tolerated.  Cussing at me will never be met without discipline.  Disrespecting me will always have consequences.  And guess what else?  I cannot promise it, but I am confident that, come what may, my child will eventually have self-discipline.  He may not always make good choices.  But I believe he will take pause and think about some of those choices and their potential consequences.  And I hope that my setting realistic, age-appropriate expectations, giving him choices, and providing him with discipline will turn him into a pleasant adult down the road.