Four years ago today was one of the worst days of my life. And I know without a doubt that, no matter how long I live, no matter what other experiences I encounter, it will remain one of the worst days of my life. You see, four years ago, I was told my husband would die. Soon. That there was no hope, no cure, no saving him or extending his life or improving the quality of what time he had left. Terminal.
Worst. Day. Ever. Up to that point. There were other excruciating days, weeks, and months that followed, obviously. But the news we heard and the discussions we had, with doctors, extended family, and between the two of us were nothing short of heart-wrenching.
At a time like that, there is NOTHING anyone can say or do to "make it better." Nothing can take away the pain. Nothing can dull the senses enough. Nothing can remove the fear, the nausea. And there aren't enough tissues to soak up the tears. There aren't enough glasses to shatter in the rage and anger. There's just not enough of anything. Not enough time. Not enough technology. Not enough surgery, modern medicine, or answers.
But there's enough God. I do not say that lightly. Tears stream down my face as I right this, recalling the absolute anguish of that day. But God was enough. He is bigger than any doubt, fear, hatred, anger, or question. He wrapped Nathan and I both in His Fatherly arms. He held us as a couple. He held as individuals. He understood, much more than even we could, that this was a strange journey. It was a journey completely together and completely alone. I could not imagine the uncertainty, physical pain, side effects, fear, peace, joy, and everything else that Nathan faced in knowing he had terminal cancer. And he could not imagine (which he admitted) the fear of the unknown in caring for a spouse that is terminally ill, the agony of helplessness, the loneliness of the aftermath.
Yet God held us, walked with us, and gave us both inexplicable peace, strength, and joy in our journeys. Not all the time. Neither of us were happy with the cruel lot we were dealt. But God never abandoned us. He never allowed us to both be completely shattered in the same moment. He always, ALWAYS gave to at least one of us, enough strength to get through the moment; to not surrender. He surrounded us with loving people - family, friends, nurses, doctors, strangers who lifted us up.
We mourned together that day. We mourned individually that day. And we mourned together for the next almost four months. But we took care of Business. Nathan finished the race set before him. We made sure nothing was left unsaid or undone. And we made sure we still found joy, happiness, and laughter when we could.
I know the Bible says, "Weeping may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning." (Ps 30:5b) I'm here to tell you, Joy also comes in the Mourning.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
Practice Makes, Well, Better!
Ok, so practice doesn't always make perfect. That's ok. Perfection is rarely required in life. Yet I think so often as adults, if we don't master something the first time we attempt it, we throw up our hands and exclaim, "I don't know why I don't get this!"
I don't know about other parents out there, but my son did not successfully walk his first attempt. I didn't tell him he was a failure or not to bother trying again. Rather, I encouraged him. I held his hand and walked along side him. I showed him how to do it. And every time he fell, I told him to try again. And when he took a step or two, I cheered for him.
Why then do we adults not assume that some things that we were raised to do would come without effort? Without practice? Some people make friends easily. Some people don't. Some people have a Pollyanna-ish disposition and see sunshine and rainbows and happiness everywhere. Some people don't. The point is not to get frustrated and say, "why am I not happy?" Rather, LEARN to be happy. Love is a choice. Happiness is a choice. You may look around and see many positive things in your life, yet still feel unhappy. I don't know why. I don't have a magical answer.
But maybe, just maybe, you were not TAUGHT how to be happy. Maybe it wasn't encouraged. Maybe life just sucked so much that happiness was not even on the radar. But if you can learn a skill, a job, to ride a bike, to have discipline, to be kind, to have a mouth filter; why can't happiness and joy also be learned?
Practice joy. CHOOSE to find one thing each day to be happy about. Write it down. I've heard it takes 21 days to make a habit. Commit to doing it for a month. If you aren't more content, more joyful, happier, more at peace, what have you really lost? Nothing. But possibly, you'll find a little more silver and a little less gray in the clouds of life. And maybe, just maybe, you'll see that joy and strength and peace come from the Ultimate Dad, who's trying to give you good things. Who's trying to make you happy. Who's trying desperately to put things in your path so you'll notice Him.
I don't know about other parents out there, but my son did not successfully walk his first attempt. I didn't tell him he was a failure or not to bother trying again. Rather, I encouraged him. I held his hand and walked along side him. I showed him how to do it. And every time he fell, I told him to try again. And when he took a step or two, I cheered for him.
Why then do we adults not assume that some things that we were raised to do would come without effort? Without practice? Some people make friends easily. Some people don't. Some people have a Pollyanna-ish disposition and see sunshine and rainbows and happiness everywhere. Some people don't. The point is not to get frustrated and say, "why am I not happy?" Rather, LEARN to be happy. Love is a choice. Happiness is a choice. You may look around and see many positive things in your life, yet still feel unhappy. I don't know why. I don't have a magical answer.
But maybe, just maybe, you were not TAUGHT how to be happy. Maybe it wasn't encouraged. Maybe life just sucked so much that happiness was not even on the radar. But if you can learn a skill, a job, to ride a bike, to have discipline, to be kind, to have a mouth filter; why can't happiness and joy also be learned?
Practice joy. CHOOSE to find one thing each day to be happy about. Write it down. I've heard it takes 21 days to make a habit. Commit to doing it for a month. If you aren't more content, more joyful, happier, more at peace, what have you really lost? Nothing. But possibly, you'll find a little more silver and a little less gray in the clouds of life. And maybe, just maybe, you'll see that joy and strength and peace come from the Ultimate Dad, who's trying to give you good things. Who's trying to make you happy. Who's trying desperately to put things in your path so you'll notice Him.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Can Anyone Please Explain?
Can anyone please explain why my two-year-old son has suddenly forgotten how to fall asleep? Three times (so far!) in the past week, he has laid in his bed tossing and turning for one-to-two hours! He doesn't whine. He doesn't call out. He doesn't cry. He doesn't get out of bed. He just lays there, rolling back and forth, switching positions. He'll pull the covers up, then kick them off. He lays at the head of the bed, then the foot. He sits up, then flops back over in half and starts rolling again. I've tried rocking him, but he tries to stretch out and there's just not enough room. I've tried sitting next to him on the floor patting his back. I've tried both while humming his favorite lullabies and in complete silence. I watch on the video monitor as, even when he's relatively still, his feet continue moving, thus indicating he's still not sleeping.
He has NEVER had this problem before. I mean, this is the kid who slept through the night at 5 weeks! It used to be that twenty minutes was a long time for him to stay awake. I know he's tired. And I know he's frustrated with not sleeping. When I carry him upstairs, he'll drop his head onto my shoulder and rub his eyes. I don't have the foggiest idea what's going on in his brain, since he can't tell me. And I don't know how to fix it!
And while you're at it, can you please explain why, when he woke up from his nap today, he cried continuously and inexplicably for 15 minutes? I offered him milk. He cried. I offered him a graham cracker. He cried. I tried to hold and comfort him. He kicked me, pushed me away, and cried. After leaving him alone, he decided he was done crying, came up to me all smiles, and was pleasant the rest of the day. ARGH!
He has NEVER had this problem before. I mean, this is the kid who slept through the night at 5 weeks! It used to be that twenty minutes was a long time for him to stay awake. I know he's tired. And I know he's frustrated with not sleeping. When I carry him upstairs, he'll drop his head onto my shoulder and rub his eyes. I don't have the foggiest idea what's going on in his brain, since he can't tell me. And I don't know how to fix it!
And while you're at it, can you please explain why, when he woke up from his nap today, he cried continuously and inexplicably for 15 minutes? I offered him milk. He cried. I offered him a graham cracker. He cried. I tried to hold and comfort him. He kicked me, pushed me away, and cried. After leaving him alone, he decided he was done crying, came up to me all smiles, and was pleasant the rest of the day. ARGH!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Warning: The Following Contains My Opinion on the Recent CFA Issue. Read at Your Own Risk
If you're still reading, welcome! I promise no hate will be spewed here. I have no hate to spew.
I find the recent uprising against Chik-Fil-A and its president to be appalling. I have many reasons for this, the first of which is freedom of speech. It's guaranteed to all. This man is a private citizen. He works for a privately held company and as such, is not answerable to stockholders with opinions as varied as snowflakes. Neither he nor his company have ever been accused (that I'm aware of) of discriminating against anyone. To my knowledge, no gays or lesbians have been denied food or asked to leave an establishment. He answered a question that was posed to him. He did not set out to discriminate or hurt anyone, in my belief.
He has the right to his opinion and yes, to even speak his opinion. He has the right to send his dollars to support charities in which he believes. Just as we all have the right to spend our dollars at his restaurants or not. (Personally, I have not supported a charity that, while doing lots of good and positive things, does one thing I am morally against. Thus, I cannot be assured that my dollars might not be used for that one purpose. So I choose to support individual charities with which I am comfortable.) He has the right to vote and no one can legally persecute him for his personal beliefs or votes.
The audacity of city politicians, much less federal ones, threatening to use their power against him without legitimate reason undermines the very freedoms they claim to be defending. No mayor or councilman has the right, power, or authority to discriminate against a company based on a person's belief. Otherwise, wouldn't business licenses be constantly denied or given based on who is in power that year? It's disgraceful! And whether I agree with every business in my region, I do NOT want a politician deciding whether I can spend my money there or not. Let the almighty dollar speak. Guess what, Mr. Mayor? If your citizens agree with you, you won't have to block a permit. They will deny their business to "evil chicken empire." But at least give citizens the right to voice their own opinons, yea or nay.
I know that today, across the nation, people were speaking with their almighty dollars. We drove to a restaurant across the street from Chik-Fil-A today about 6 o'clock. We had a hard time finding parking. People were parking anywhere they could to support CFA. The drive-through line was probably at least half an hour long. There were people wrapped around the building waiting in line in 100+ degree heat! My guess is the inside / outside line was 1.5+ hours. So you see, mayors and councilmen and less-conservative people across the country, not everyone is anti-CFA. Not everyone feels that free speech applies only when popular or convenient. Not everyone has abandoned the traditional marriage value. It turns out, there are still a lot of people who, while they may not be overly vocal on Facebook, support conservative Christian values and / or free speech.
I have lots of people in my life that I love deeply and unconditionally. I do not agree with them on all matters. But I think there's a big difference in loving someone and agreeing with them. I think there's a difference between showing kindness and accepting / approving of every choice made. I know I'm loved by people who disagree with me. That's fine. But please, don't call me ugly names or derogatory terms just because we don't see eye to eye. Because I promise, I have not and will not speak ill of you.
I find the recent uprising against Chik-Fil-A and its president to be appalling. I have many reasons for this, the first of which is freedom of speech. It's guaranteed to all. This man is a private citizen. He works for a privately held company and as such, is not answerable to stockholders with opinions as varied as snowflakes. Neither he nor his company have ever been accused (that I'm aware of) of discriminating against anyone. To my knowledge, no gays or lesbians have been denied food or asked to leave an establishment. He answered a question that was posed to him. He did not set out to discriminate or hurt anyone, in my belief.
He has the right to his opinion and yes, to even speak his opinion. He has the right to send his dollars to support charities in which he believes. Just as we all have the right to spend our dollars at his restaurants or not. (Personally, I have not supported a charity that, while doing lots of good and positive things, does one thing I am morally against. Thus, I cannot be assured that my dollars might not be used for that one purpose. So I choose to support individual charities with which I am comfortable.) He has the right to vote and no one can legally persecute him for his personal beliefs or votes.
The audacity of city politicians, much less federal ones, threatening to use their power against him without legitimate reason undermines the very freedoms they claim to be defending. No mayor or councilman has the right, power, or authority to discriminate against a company based on a person's belief. Otherwise, wouldn't business licenses be constantly denied or given based on who is in power that year? It's disgraceful! And whether I agree with every business in my region, I do NOT want a politician deciding whether I can spend my money there or not. Let the almighty dollar speak. Guess what, Mr. Mayor? If your citizens agree with you, you won't have to block a permit. They will deny their business to "evil chicken empire." But at least give citizens the right to voice their own opinons, yea or nay.
I know that today, across the nation, people were speaking with their almighty dollars. We drove to a restaurant across the street from Chik-Fil-A today about 6 o'clock. We had a hard time finding parking. People were parking anywhere they could to support CFA. The drive-through line was probably at least half an hour long. There were people wrapped around the building waiting in line in 100+ degree heat! My guess is the inside / outside line was 1.5+ hours. So you see, mayors and councilmen and less-conservative people across the country, not everyone is anti-CFA. Not everyone feels that free speech applies only when popular or convenient. Not everyone has abandoned the traditional marriage value. It turns out, there are still a lot of people who, while they may not be overly vocal on Facebook, support conservative Christian values and / or free speech.
I have lots of people in my life that I love deeply and unconditionally. I do not agree with them on all matters. But I think there's a big difference in loving someone and agreeing with them. I think there's a difference between showing kindness and accepting / approving of every choice made. I know I'm loved by people who disagree with me. That's fine. But please, don't call me ugly names or derogatory terms just because we don't see eye to eye. Because I promise, I have not and will not speak ill of you.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Encourage Young People
Today, Jackson and I went to McDonald's after storytime with another family. Jackson started off kind of playing on the ground level of their indoor play area. I was eating, talking, and periodically checking on him. After a couple of minutes, I noticed he was higher up in the play area with another girl, who was several years older. He was smiling and waving at me. She smiled and said, "I'm helping him." Ok. I'll (obviously) continue to keep an eye on him. But I thought that was sweet.
I'm not great at guessing other children's ages. But I'd peg the girl as somewhere in the 7-10 year-old range. I watched as she held his hand to help him up. I watched her clamor down a large step, then turn around and help gently lower him down. I watched as they laughed and smiled and waved and played together for a while longer until it was time for us to leave. I watched him blow her a kiss and give her a hug and a wave.
While we were walking out, I noticed a woman sitting outside of the play area, but at a table against that window. I approached and asked if her daughter was in the pink t-shirt and black leggings. Her eyes grew wide with expectation and she said, "Yes. What did she do?" I told this other mom how kind and sweet her daughter was to my little boy; how helpful she'd been; how much my son enjoyed playing with her. The mother sank back with relief into her chair and said, "You almost gave me a heart attack! I'm so glad to hear that, though. We try so hard to teach our kids to show kindness to others." I don't know if this woman's initial mindset was to defend her child against accusation or blister her tush if she'd acted out. But the visible relief and pride of being told a positive thing about her child was very obvious.
I told the mom, "She was really good with him. You're doing a great job. I think too often parents are only told when their kids mess up. So I wanted to make sure you also heard when she was being a great kid." She beamed and agreed with me. She gave Jackson a smile and a wave. And at that moment, the little girl popped over to the window, still on the other side and flashed Jackson a giant grin.
I know how much I appreciate hearing that my two-year-old has behaved well or brought joy or a smile to someone. I can only imagine that probably becomes more rare as children get older. We hear so much negative stuff about tweens and teens. We expect them to be rude and sarcastic and bored and quick-tempered. What if we actually acknowledge the positive as well, instead of just the negative? Maybe, just maybe, it'll encourage them to continue doing good and kind things with no self-serving interest.
So today, I challenge myself. If I notice someone, especially a young person, doing something well or acting with selfless kindness, I will applaud them. I will praise and encourage them. Not just when it has to do with my child, but anytime. And maybe they'll glean a sense of pride in themselves instead of becoming sullen and thinking "no one says anything to me unless I screw up." Maybe it'll make a bully less bully-ish. Maybe it'll give a withdrawn kid some confidence. Maybe it'll make someone feel noticed and validated and important. Maybe not. But it sure can't hurt anything.
I'm not great at guessing other children's ages. But I'd peg the girl as somewhere in the 7-10 year-old range. I watched as she held his hand to help him up. I watched her clamor down a large step, then turn around and help gently lower him down. I watched as they laughed and smiled and waved and played together for a while longer until it was time for us to leave. I watched him blow her a kiss and give her a hug and a wave.
While we were walking out, I noticed a woman sitting outside of the play area, but at a table against that window. I approached and asked if her daughter was in the pink t-shirt and black leggings. Her eyes grew wide with expectation and she said, "Yes. What did she do?" I told this other mom how kind and sweet her daughter was to my little boy; how helpful she'd been; how much my son enjoyed playing with her. The mother sank back with relief into her chair and said, "You almost gave me a heart attack! I'm so glad to hear that, though. We try so hard to teach our kids to show kindness to others." I don't know if this woman's initial mindset was to defend her child against accusation or blister her tush if she'd acted out. But the visible relief and pride of being told a positive thing about her child was very obvious.
I told the mom, "She was really good with him. You're doing a great job. I think too often parents are only told when their kids mess up. So I wanted to make sure you also heard when she was being a great kid." She beamed and agreed with me. She gave Jackson a smile and a wave. And at that moment, the little girl popped over to the window, still on the other side and flashed Jackson a giant grin.
I know how much I appreciate hearing that my two-year-old has behaved well or brought joy or a smile to someone. I can only imagine that probably becomes more rare as children get older. We hear so much negative stuff about tweens and teens. We expect them to be rude and sarcastic and bored and quick-tempered. What if we actually acknowledge the positive as well, instead of just the negative? Maybe, just maybe, it'll encourage them to continue doing good and kind things with no self-serving interest.
So today, I challenge myself. If I notice someone, especially a young person, doing something well or acting with selfless kindness, I will applaud them. I will praise and encourage them. Not just when it has to do with my child, but anytime. And maybe they'll glean a sense of pride in themselves instead of becoming sullen and thinking "no one says anything to me unless I screw up." Maybe it'll make a bully less bully-ish. Maybe it'll give a withdrawn kid some confidence. Maybe it'll make someone feel noticed and validated and important. Maybe not. But it sure can't hurt anything.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
You Know Those Nights?
You know those nights when your child rubs his eyes, and takes you by the hand to lead you upstairs while saying, "Night night."? Me neither. At least, not tonight. Instead, my son took a different tactic tonight. His method of notifying us of his desire for sleep was to be as obstinate, stubborn, tantrumatic, disobedient, and defiant as possible until we finally got so fed up with him, we put him to bed.
It worked.
And within four minutes of being laid down, he was asleep. Before 7 pm. Tomorrow could be a very interesting day...Stay tuned.
It worked.
And within four minutes of being laid down, he was asleep. Before 7 pm. Tomorrow could be a very interesting day...Stay tuned.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Aurora Theater
This morning, an armed murderer invaded a crowded movie theater for the midnight showing of the latest Batman movie. Thus far, twelve have died and at least 38 more were wounded. They've apprehended the killer. What happens next, I don't know. I know my heart cries for those in attendance. Whether they were killed, injured, or escaped, none of them will ever be the same. I lift up prayers for them and their families.
I will not let this madman cause me to live a life in fear. I will not quit going to the movies or public places because a deranged lunatic has an agenda. I will raise my son to be diligent and deliberate and aware of his surroundings. But I will not raise him to live in terror of the what-ifs and unknowns. I know some people say "when it's your time, it's your time." I would simply say, "you never know what tomorrow holds."
God may know when you will pass away. But His knowledge doesn't mean it is His plan or intent. Free will comes into play. God knew that man will kill. But it was never His plan. So we must live each of our days, each moment, with intention. You may not die tomorrow. But your job may disappear. Or you may get unexpectedly promoted.
Not knowing what the future holds is a scary thing. But it doesn't have to be. I know many people who live life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for bad things to happen. And sometimes, they do. But sometimes, Cinderella gets her first shoe back. And on the other end of that shoe is happiness.
Just like after 9/11, we all have a choice. We can let chaos and fear and others dictate our lives. Or we can link arms and set our jaws in determination. We cannot control the actions of others. But we can control our own. And we can control our response. We can choose to press on. We can choose to live each day with purpose, love, joy, intent, and kindness. We can choose to be bold. To speak and act for those who cannot do for themselves. We can choose to speak truth, tempered by lovingkindness. We can choose to disagree with one another and still act respectfully.
So I choose today to hug my son and husband extra-tight. To tell them once more how much they mean to me. To know that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. But I will live this moment to its fullest. I will not withdraw. I will not be passive or a spectator in my own life. I will resolve to be proactive in all I do and all I am. I will love God with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind. I will have joy for today and hope for tomorrow.
I will not let this madman cause me to live a life in fear. I will not quit going to the movies or public places because a deranged lunatic has an agenda. I will raise my son to be diligent and deliberate and aware of his surroundings. But I will not raise him to live in terror of the what-ifs and unknowns. I know some people say "when it's your time, it's your time." I would simply say, "you never know what tomorrow holds."
God may know when you will pass away. But His knowledge doesn't mean it is His plan or intent. Free will comes into play. God knew that man will kill. But it was never His plan. So we must live each of our days, each moment, with intention. You may not die tomorrow. But your job may disappear. Or you may get unexpectedly promoted.
Not knowing what the future holds is a scary thing. But it doesn't have to be. I know many people who live life waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for bad things to happen. And sometimes, they do. But sometimes, Cinderella gets her first shoe back. And on the other end of that shoe is happiness.
Just like after 9/11, we all have a choice. We can let chaos and fear and others dictate our lives. Or we can link arms and set our jaws in determination. We cannot control the actions of others. But we can control our own. And we can control our response. We can choose to press on. We can choose to live each day with purpose, love, joy, intent, and kindness. We can choose to be bold. To speak and act for those who cannot do for themselves. We can choose to speak truth, tempered by lovingkindness. We can choose to disagree with one another and still act respectfully.
So I choose today to hug my son and husband extra-tight. To tell them once more how much they mean to me. To know that tomorrow isn't guaranteed. But I will live this moment to its fullest. I will not withdraw. I will not be passive or a spectator in my own life. I will resolve to be proactive in all I do and all I am. I will love God with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind. I will have joy for today and hope for tomorrow.
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