The In-Between Day

Yesterday was the anniversary of someone asking me to spend the rest of my life with him; to start a family and a new chapter in both of our lives; to commit to an unknown but potential wonderful journey together.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of a "happily ever after" getting cut short after a mere 10 1/2 years; of saying "see you later" to a man I dearly love and for whom I moved away from all I had ever previously known; with whom I embarked on several incredible journeys.

Today, well today is the in-between day.  It was very ordinary.  Quite truthfully, yesterday was ordinary.  And, while tomorrow will be flavored with a meld of emotions, both happy and sad and all involving some tears, it will be ordinary.  But today, this day in the middle of anniversaries of milestone moments, is just the 19th of December. 

I smile at my engagment ring and remember the proprosal during this time of year.  I recall waking up that night (several times) in the pitch black with my eyes still closed and holding my hand up to admire the ring that I could not see.  I remember calling my dad and brother, both of whom instantly asked if we'd set a date.  I remember the sweet, simple way he proposed during the VERY romantic move "3:10 to Yuma."  I remember the doubts and fears of his that dotted our every discussion in the days leading up to the proposal.

I wear the necklace of the wedding bands I had made after Nathan's passing more often during this time of year.  I smile at recalling our life together. I smile as I remember being a teenaged bride; at him giving me my family as a birthday present, all the big and little moments that comprised our marriage.  I cry at the thought of the last days.  I cry for the pain he felt; I cry for joy that he's free from that pain.  I cry at the loneliness I felt.  And I cry knowing how much he hated leaving me.  I cry from the unknown in those first moments, days, weeks, months.  I cry from the overwhelming love that was poured out on us both. 

And I look at the ring he bought me the day before he started to sleep. It's on my hand, along with the new engagement ring previously mentioned.  How two such amazing men could deem me worthy of their forever love is beyond me. But it's something I'll never take for granted.  And so, on this in-between day, I find myself blessed.  I have been loved unconditionally twice.  I have been promised forever twice.  I have had two men give me their hearts, their lives, and their names.  They are hearts I will never break or discard.  They are lives I am honored to walk through with them.  They are names I am proud to take as my own.  They are men I am privileged to love and serve and honor and cherish and respect. 

I hope I can be the woman they both saw in me.  I hope I live a life worthy of bearing their names.  Even on the ordinary, in-between days.